Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
