He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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