Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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