Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
