not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
if only i could text you this smell
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
