my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
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