I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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