Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
