What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
