She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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