He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
