If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
did you just send me my own nude
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize