i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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