how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
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