do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
