My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
