I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize