What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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