it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
