I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
