your parents love me but you hate me
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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