I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize