I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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