At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
