Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
