if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
