I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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