i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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