The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
