Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
