The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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