he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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