apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
