I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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