im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
