you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
