i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Randomize
