it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
MIDGETS
????
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
