Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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