how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
