TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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