Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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