just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
