Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
she pinky promised me she was 18
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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