you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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