there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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