Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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