I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
