I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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