i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
