Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
