Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
