mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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