Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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