i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
