even my farts smell like vagina
organizing the empties. That sober.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
