mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
