just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
