It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
