Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
