he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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