So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
