when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
