Just fell off a train. Bad.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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