my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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